The Daily Anxiety of Not Knowing If Elderly Parents Are OK

I never worried about my parents, up to the point when I started taking charge of their wellbeing.

Anxiety only appears on a foundation of loving someone and feeling responsible for them. It’s the fear of not getting it right, stretched over a long period of time. It slowly becomes a constant wondering in the back of your mind.

Day after day, you notice your parents change. Their interests narrow. Their routines get basic. They start to give up on habits they had for a long time. Their actions and reactions are slower. They might forget things you already talked about. They might refuse help or discussions about their needs. They might start having difficulties with everyday tasks. They start to lose some of their abilities and independence. Their personality might change.

All these subtle signs change the way you know your parents, and uncertainty squeezes in.

The difficult part is that you get a sense of responsibility for their wellbeing, without having control over aging, illness, loneliness, or your parents’ actions. You get into a constant decision-making routine about aspects of life you have little influence over. In this constant change, you get the fear of missing something important. And on top of that some guilt appears in many forms: guild about not visiting enough, guilt about not calling enough, about feeling tired or wanting personal space.

Even when all support systems are in place, there’s still uncertainty.

To make things easier for my own conscience, I started checking things of the list:

• I scheduled periodical doctor visits;
• I got periodical prescriptions for chronic diseases;
• I filled pill organizers;
• I arranged for weekly shopping time or home deliveries;
• I arranged for someone to help with cooking or catering deliveries;
• I arranged for someone to help with errands and house maintenance.

Does this sound like “no fun” and minimum anyone would do? What about their social lives? What about their connection with other family members? What about cultural interests, going to theatre or shows, browsing through a book store or a library? What about hobbies?

The demands keep on growing and, at some point, you realize you cannot rewrite laws of nature, you cannot live your parents’ lives, you cannot keep your balance adding so much to your plate. And you see yourself explaining to your elderly parents that they need to accept and appreciate your help they way you can offer it.

Even after lots of boxes seem to be checked, lots of systems are in place to help both you and your parents, you know their world is unpredictable. A sudden health decline, safety mistakes like lighting a candle inside furniture or mixing up medication, accidents, getting lost or strangers taking advantage of them can happen.

This adds another layer to your problem solving: how can you monitor your elderly parents, from the distance, in a discreet and non-intrusive way, so they can feel cared for and not controlled?

We started to research devices, wearables, apps, in the search for a balanced respectful approach to our family reality. The main goal: know they are safe, keep their dignity.

With Parents are OK, your relationship dynamics do not have to change.

• It does not matter if you are used to talk or visit often or rarely, you will get a nudge from Parents are OK only when attention is required.
• It does not matter if you live close by or far away, your apps are connected and synchronized.
• It does not limit or control your parents’ actions; it’s not a surveillance camera or a GPS tracking system.
• It does not ask you parent to do something new, like learn a new app, notice a new notification, click a new button to confirm presence. It does not interfere with their normal phone use.
• It does not require your parents to wear a new accessory, like a bracelet they might forget to charge or lose. Just their phones, which they are already used to carry with them.

 For them, it’s effortless. For you, it’s a simple signal that can reduce uncertainty.

Talk soon,

Ioana